🔗 Share this article

Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It irritates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still value life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that professional help might support me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and worry.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This journey will take patience, but recognizing there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.